When I do coaching with my clients, one of the very important factors that help accelerate the improvement is the ability to pinpoint the true underlying issue. Based on experience, the issue that is discussed at the beginning is usually not the real issue. The trap is, if we address the surface issue, the issue will not go away or in worse situations, it manifests itself in other forms of issues.
One of the effective technique I use for self improvement coaching is the CAWISHDA technique. The name sounds strange? It's an acronym made up of 4 words - can, will, should and dare.
When something cannot be done, most of us say 'I cannot do it'. On the surface, it appears like a skill problem. If it is a skill problem, then getting a teacher to teach will solve the problem. But why isn't that happening? Perhaps, it's more than just 'I cannot.'
When a person really cannot do something, it is skill-related and generally that can be resolved by learning and practicing. Even if you cannot reach your expectation, it's somewhere around there (partly because there are external factors that are out of your influence.
There are times that when we say we cannot, it could mean something else. Here are three possibilities:
I cannot = I will not (我不肯）
When it's about 'you will not', it means that you CAN do it but you don't WANT to do it in order to 'protect' some benefits that you are having now. For example, I will not join the gym because I don't want to lose my money if it turns out that I don't like it. So, I'm protecting my money from being wasted.
I cannot = I should not (我不该）
'Should' generally indicates that the action is violating certain rules or values that we have. In other words, we CAN do it but we don't think it's right to do it. For example, we can make a lot of money from helping others to raise fund. While that's legitimate and those who earn money out of it find that a 'win-win situation', others detest such acts. Hence, even if raising fund is something that they can do well, they will not do it as it violates their values.
I cannot = I dare not (我不敢）
There are times we know it is the right thing to do and logically we know we are able to do. But yet we don't do. It could be a case of confidence (state) or fear (emotion). Hence, it is more effective to focus on how to build confidence or manage the anxiety caused by fear. People who are afraid of height (vertigo) know the hanging bridge is safe. They also know that they are able to walk because walking on low grounds and walking a bridge is the same. And yet they don't because of the fear.
This is a short write up and we will not discuss how to handle value change or managing fear. However, the good news is that once we are able to bring the real issue to the table, your conscious mind can now see the actual problem and resolve it within your means.
So, each time when you hear someone says 'I cannot', always ask "you mean you cannot, you will not, you should not or you dare not?"
CAWISHDA!
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Friday, May 24, 2013
What the Teacher could also mean
Perseverance
Among Asian values especially among the Chinese, perseverance is viewed as an important noble value. For those who subscribe or semi-subscribe to this value, it means one must work hard towards your dreams. If you fail, you try and try and still try until you make it regardless of the pain. Some go further: the more the pain the better because it means you are sincere and serious in achieving the set goals. Have you ever wondered in each of the Golden Horse awards for movies, most if not all winners will finish it with an important phrase "I will work harder!"Alternative view:
Buddha questioned the meaning of life and why beings went through suffering. He renounced from his royal family in search of the truth. He followed many teachers but none gave him the the answers. He finally meditated under the Bodhi tree and eventually gained enlightenment.
For me, the Buddha had a vision. He wanted to know the root cause of suffering and intended to end it. He tried different strategies (different teachers) and each time it did not work, he changed his strategy but kept his vision.
Suggested conclusion:
Perseverance means keep chasing your dream and do not give up. Perseverance does not mean keep to one strategy and keep doing until it works. So, fix your dream but change your strategies.
Impermanence
The moment we ask for examples about impermanence, generally most of us will refer to sickness, death, suffering and other elements that are negative. Some go to the extent to explain why life is full of suffering.Alternative view:
It's only half the truth. Impermanence technically means something will not stay the same forever and will subject to change when the factors change. Hence, it is true that good things may become bad and it also means that bad things may become good. So, change can be two-way. When a person is sick and after that recovers, that's impermanence. When you get an increment in salary, that's a change from lower to higher salary and is also impermanence. When your kid grows taller, that is also a change i.e. impermanence.
Suggested conclusion:
Should we include change, improvement, recovery, growth and wisdom as new meanings of impermanence?
1st Noble Truth: Life is suffering
I have heard this truth many times. When there is 'first', it suggests that there is more than one. So what about the other truths? For those who only stay at the 1st noble truth, they will propagate the situation and in my view, have created more negativity than improving the situation.Alternative view:
There are 4 noble truths:
1. Life is suffering
2. Craving is the root cause of suffering
3. If we can remove craving, we remove suffering
4. There is a way to remove it and it's called the Noble 8-fold path
There are 3 truths that are ignored when anyone mentions the 1st noble truth. 'Life is suffering' is just a way to state the current situation. So, for those who only propagate this truth, you are reporting the truth in a different context. Please remember to complete the other 3 truths for complete 'reporting'.
Suggested conclusion:
Hey! Whatever life situation you are in, don't worry. It happens to everyone from time to time. The good news is there is way out and let me share with you the Noble 8-Fold Path.
Monday, April 01, 2013
How different is difference?
Most of us, including myself, analyze things by spotting the differences; long versus short, large versus small or red versus blue. This works well most of the time especially when things are concerned. When it comes to people, it gets more difficult as I start to relate the difference to my values and make judgement accordingly.
What I have learnt to accept differences nowadays is not about trying to rationalize the differences. Logically, it makes sense and things should work easily. However, the fact of the matter is that my unconscious mind (UM) is objecting the decision to fully embracing the logic and the difference. Why?
I notice the UM works like our blood. The moment there is a 'foreign' matter detected in the body, an automatic mechanism is activated to reject the matter and start attacking it, sometimes to the point of over-reacting or better known as allergy. I notice UM is the same. It can still overreact although we consciously reason with it and the reasons seem substantial. It just rejects.
So, instead of trying to reconcile the difference, I now apply a different strategy. I reconcile using the similarities. In other words, it's not a foreign matter but a very similar matter like my own type, only that it varies to a small extent. Surprisingly, the acceptance is much higher instantly. Yup! I found my own vaccine!
So, here is the concoction for the vaccine :
When we identify 2 things being different, they are not truly different. In fact, they are the same except for some part (or sub modalities) of the matter vary to some degrees. Take for instance an angry man. How different is he from a cool guy? The angry guy is the same as the cool guy except for the following:
- intensity : he has more irritation than the cool guy
- frequency : he is angry more often that the cool guy
- range : the angry guy could go up to throwing things around while the cool guy merely talks louder
- sequence : the angry guy flares first then think while the cool guy think first before flaring
- sequence : the angry guy flares first then think while the cool guy think first before flaring
For me, I find it easier to accept the difference and over and above that, I know in which areas the person should work on.
Let's take another example: procrastination
- intensity: that guy can procrastinate for 2 weeks while mine is only 2 days
- frequency: that guy does it every day while I do it some of the days
- range: that guy procrastinates on all matters while I only do it for major matters
- sequence: that guy will do after procrastinating while I just do without the earlier step
- sequence: that guy will do after procrastinating while I just do without the earlier step
Hey, aren't we both the same, we both get the work done??!!
Wednesday, February 06, 2013
Are we all actors?
From time to time, I will come across actors or actresses who are so committed in playing their roles that once they have accepted the role for a movie, they start preparing for the role as early as 12 months before the shoot. More impressive is their ability to gain weight or slim down according to the needs of the role they have decided, and better still, they can get back to their normal weight. Of course, these professional actors are disciplined to do whatever necessary to get into 'shape'. They also have professional advisers or trainers to help them.
However, besides all these external help plus their own discipline, there is another motivating force. They are so engrossed with the role they will act that they 'become' the person they believe they are. They believe they are that person in the movie and that give them the motivation to move towards the shape they want to. There is a shift in their identity. By that change, we are consciously motivated or even unconsciously driven to do what it takes to get what we want. That is the power of identity. When we assume a certain identity, we are ready to accept certain actions or decisions as though it is part of 'us'.
We are not actors and we don't have a role to play in some mega movies. But does that mean we are not assuming a certain role or character in our daily life? You may have come across a smoker who immediately stops smoking when she knows she is pregnant, almost instantly. How can she do it? The mind and body just automatically reject smoking as it does not augur with their new ID as a caring mother. The same goes for a person who still drags himself to give a training despite he is very ill. He believes that he is a professional and he just cannot let 200 participants sitting in a hall staring at a empty stage without the speaker. It is against his ID and he will do whatever it takes to make sure he is there. For some strange reasons, he seems to be able to draw his energy from thin air.
So, we do assume a certain identity in our mind and we are motivated by it and we 'act' towards it. This ID is usually reflected as our values too. That explains why sometimes it is so easy for us to accept certain changes and some changes make us so uneasy and sleepless at night. So, do you know who you are acting as? Start with what you treasure most, what you like most and what you hate most. All these new details will give you an idea or some ideas of who you are acting as.
So, Shakespeare was right - "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players"
However, besides all these external help plus their own discipline, there is another motivating force. They are so engrossed with the role they will act that they 'become' the person they believe they are. They believe they are that person in the movie and that give them the motivation to move towards the shape they want to. There is a shift in their identity. By that change, we are consciously motivated or even unconsciously driven to do what it takes to get what we want. That is the power of identity. When we assume a certain identity, we are ready to accept certain actions or decisions as though it is part of 'us'.
We are not actors and we don't have a role to play in some mega movies. But does that mean we are not assuming a certain role or character in our daily life? You may have come across a smoker who immediately stops smoking when she knows she is pregnant, almost instantly. How can she do it? The mind and body just automatically reject smoking as it does not augur with their new ID as a caring mother. The same goes for a person who still drags himself to give a training despite he is very ill. He believes that he is a professional and he just cannot let 200 participants sitting in a hall staring at a empty stage without the speaker. It is against his ID and he will do whatever it takes to make sure he is there. For some strange reasons, he seems to be able to draw his energy from thin air.
So, we do assume a certain identity in our mind and we are motivated by it and we 'act' towards it. This ID is usually reflected as our values too. That explains why sometimes it is so easy for us to accept certain changes and some changes make us so uneasy and sleepless at night. So, do you know who you are acting as? Start with what you treasure most, what you like most and what you hate most. All these new details will give you an idea or some ideas of who you are acting as.
So, Shakespeare was right - "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players"
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Close Encounter With the 3rd Kind
The world of spirits has always intrigued me, not because that I have anything to do with it but more because there are so many theories from west to east and not many of my questions are answered. The questions I have are most likely the same questions that you may have. So, rather than reading reports, watch movies and documentaries,why not I just go direct: Talk to someone who can see the spirit realm and get my very own first-hand information.
Here are the questions with my answers and analyses after talking to a key 'witness':
Q: Do they come only at night?
A: No. They appear in broad day light as well. So, day, night, rain or shine, they can be there.
Q: How do they look like?
A: Most of the time, it is merely a shadowy blurry thing. If you have watched The Eye 2, the early scene of shadowy blurry figures surrounding a pregnant woman is close to the description. Interestingly, for baby ghosts (鬼仔 or toyol), they appear in a baby shape. There are generally 3 types: black, white and red. I think black and white are more because of the background just like dust on a black car appears grey and appears black on a white car. For red, that's seen as high energy or dangerous ones.
Q: Do they wear clothes?
A : It is blurry and so we don't really see what they wear. However, based on witness' account, he encountered a well dressed couple spirits who speak good English. It is still hard to say whether they should be categorized under spirits or angels.
Q: Do they appear more during Hungry Ghost period?
A: Nah. There is no special season.
Q: Can they appear anywhere?
A: Yes, they appear in houses, hotels, highways and also in holy places. Churches and temples have equal sightings of spirits (unless we don't categorize those as spirits). Jungles are full of them.
Q: What areas around Bandar Utama are considered hot areas?
A: Road between KBU and Kota Damansara appears to be high. The other one is the tunnel on LDP near KDU. Bukit Kiara is also worth mentioning.
Q: Why people who can say usually don't want to communicate with them?
A: Once the spirits know a person can see them, usually they will follow closely and try to communicate through these people. Even when these gifted people pretend they cannot see, the spirits will still do funny things to verify. They may suddenly appear in front of these people just to check if these people can see.
Q: Can they be reflected on a mirror?
A: Yes, they do cast an image on the mirror and they can sit in cars too.
Q: Can amulets or religious items ward off the spirits?
A: According to witness' account, they just flow pass as and when they like.
Q: What are the signs that a spirit is in the surrounding?
A: One sure sign is when the lights flicker.
Note: Spirits is a very subjective matter and I leave it to you to judge.
Here are the questions with my answers and analyses after talking to a key 'witness':
Q: Do they come only at night?
A: No. They appear in broad day light as well. So, day, night, rain or shine, they can be there.
Q: How do they look like?
A: Most of the time, it is merely a shadowy blurry thing. If you have watched The Eye 2, the early scene of shadowy blurry figures surrounding a pregnant woman is close to the description. Interestingly, for baby ghosts (鬼仔 or toyol), they appear in a baby shape. There are generally 3 types: black, white and red. I think black and white are more because of the background just like dust on a black car appears grey and appears black on a white car. For red, that's seen as high energy or dangerous ones.
Q: Do they wear clothes?
A : It is blurry and so we don't really see what they wear. However, based on witness' account, he encountered a well dressed couple spirits who speak good English. It is still hard to say whether they should be categorized under spirits or angels.
Q: Do they appear more during Hungry Ghost period?
A: Nah. There is no special season.
Q: Can they appear anywhere?
A: Yes, they appear in houses, hotels, highways and also in holy places. Churches and temples have equal sightings of spirits (unless we don't categorize those as spirits). Jungles are full of them.
Q: What areas around Bandar Utama are considered hot areas?
A: Road between KBU and Kota Damansara appears to be high. The other one is the tunnel on LDP near KDU. Bukit Kiara is also worth mentioning.
Q: Why people who can say usually don't want to communicate with them?
A: Once the spirits know a person can see them, usually they will follow closely and try to communicate through these people. Even when these gifted people pretend they cannot see, the spirits will still do funny things to verify. They may suddenly appear in front of these people just to check if these people can see.
Q: Can they be reflected on a mirror?
A: Yes, they do cast an image on the mirror and they can sit in cars too.
Q: Can amulets or religious items ward off the spirits?
A: According to witness' account, they just flow pass as and when they like.
Q: Can they get into the physical world such as physical contact?
A: According to key witness' account, a person can feel their touching. There are also accounts of them reversing the orientation of the magnets (i.e. north to south pole), sounds of coins dropping between the ceiling and roof and gush of wind.
Q: What are the signs that a spirit is in the surrounding?
A: One sure sign is when the lights flicker.
Note: Spirits is a very subjective matter and I leave it to you to judge.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Between you and you
There is this game where I usually play while waiting for dinner when I am in a company outing. Since the food served is usually Chinese dishes, we usually sit in a round table. That sitting arrangement gives me a good chance to start asking 'sensitive questions'. The questions asked are nothing more than hypothetical questions and I always love to watch the expression my colleagues wear on their face.
Although I keep reminding everyone that the questions are hypothetical, I can still see the big struggle on the face of the 'victim'. This goes to show one important thing: Our mind cannot differentiate between real and unreal. And because of that, we dare not make some decisions in fear that it will be a wrong decision despite it is hypothetical.
May be because of this, a lot of people I know dare not make decisions that affect their lives. Decisions such as when to retire, who to marry, what job to pursue or what passion to follow are often left open..sometimes forever open.
Since our unconscious cannot differentiate between facts and fiction, then it is hard to convince it to differentiate which is which. So, does it mean the situation is hopeless? Relax....there is hope. If you believe fire can fight fire, then we can also make fiction as part of facts or better still facts as part of fiction.
Sorry if I sound complicated. Actually I am haha....
Here is what we can do. Since the unconscious mind cannot tell the difference between fiction and reality, why not we now empower of mind hypothetically? Why not we tell our mind we have superpower and that our power will help us decide whatever we want and it is always right. This little additional info is truly minor to us, but to the unconscious mind it is true and it is BIG. With that new empowerment, we will be able to make better decisions.
We need to know that when we are deciding in our mind and we have not taken any action or inform anyone, it is really really between you and YOU. Since it is a mere private thought, we can always decide it and then review later.
Now, when we give superpower to our unconscious mind and when we know we can review it anytime we want it, these 2 new conditions that we acquire will give us all the resources we need to DECIDE. Too simple? It is really that simple actually.
Now, regarding the game that I used to play by asking sensitive questions, here is a question for you: If your spouse has an ex before marriage, would hope it is your best friend? Before you cringe, remember these 2 techniques: Empower yourself that you are a supercool person and then remember the decision is between you and....YOU! Decide with your superpower and then review later.
Although I keep reminding everyone that the questions are hypothetical, I can still see the big struggle on the face of the 'victim'. This goes to show one important thing: Our mind cannot differentiate between real and unreal. And because of that, we dare not make some decisions in fear that it will be a wrong decision despite it is hypothetical.
May be because of this, a lot of people I know dare not make decisions that affect their lives. Decisions such as when to retire, who to marry, what job to pursue or what passion to follow are often left open..sometimes forever open.
Since our unconscious cannot differentiate between facts and fiction, then it is hard to convince it to differentiate which is which. So, does it mean the situation is hopeless? Relax....there is hope. If you believe fire can fight fire, then we can also make fiction as part of facts or better still facts as part of fiction.
Sorry if I sound complicated. Actually I am haha....
Here is what we can do. Since the unconscious mind cannot tell the difference between fiction and reality, why not we now empower of mind hypothetically? Why not we tell our mind we have superpower and that our power will help us decide whatever we want and it is always right. This little additional info is truly minor to us, but to the unconscious mind it is true and it is BIG. With that new empowerment, we will be able to make better decisions.
We need to know that when we are deciding in our mind and we have not taken any action or inform anyone, it is really really between you and YOU. Since it is a mere private thought, we can always decide it and then review later.
Now, when we give superpower to our unconscious mind and when we know we can review it anytime we want it, these 2 new conditions that we acquire will give us all the resources we need to DECIDE. Too simple? It is really that simple actually.
Now, regarding the game that I used to play by asking sensitive questions, here is a question for you: If your spouse has an ex before marriage, would hope it is your best friend? Before you cringe, remember these 2 techniques: Empower yourself that you are a supercool person and then remember the decision is between you and....YOU! Decide with your superpower and then review later.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
To Compete or To Complete?
Once, I went to a seminar in a large hall and there were probably about a thousand guests. Then the speaker started to play game and give away one grand prize only. In the 1st round, there were about 500 people that participated. I was one of them. By the 3rd round, there were about 20 people left and by the 5th, we had a winner.
The speaker asked the audience a very simple but scary question: "How many of you actually have the real intention to win the grand prize?" I looked a round and realized that there were actually not more than 20 people out of a THOUSAND!!
So, when I saw a thousand people, I actually spoke to myself "Aaah! There are a thousand people and do I really stand a chance?" So, I actually participated for the sake of participating. If I would have known that actually there were actually only 20 people who were serious, then I would have played more seriously.
That experience gave me a very important lesson. I don't see competitors as to how many there ARE, but how many are SERIOUS about winning. So, in my training business, there are many players. They filled up almost the large hall that I went for the seminar. But in my mind, I asked myself how many really want to win and win big, from their eyes, I could probably see about 20. Well, 20 for the whole country provides ample opportunities for all of us.
Are you in your line of business just to compete or you truly are determined to complete the race and win? I do hear about all the reasons how their competitors have bigger budget, better people, better network and more experience. My question to you remains: "What do you want to do about it?" Some choose to withdraw -good,, at least there is a closure to the issue and you focus your energy somewhere else where you have the leverage. Some choose to put their best foot forward - for those, I congratulate you. Some choose to keep complaining - I'm sorry for you because you will be despised, tortured, deprived, depressed, disappointed and finally beaten and exit the market. There are MANY reasons why we can lose. I'm waiting for that ONE reason why you can win.
The speaker asked the audience a very simple but scary question: "How many of you actually have the real intention to win the grand prize?" I looked a round and realized that there were actually not more than 20 people out of a THOUSAND!!
So, when I saw a thousand people, I actually spoke to myself "Aaah! There are a thousand people and do I really stand a chance?" So, I actually participated for the sake of participating. If I would have known that actually there were actually only 20 people who were serious, then I would have played more seriously.
That experience gave me a very important lesson. I don't see competitors as to how many there ARE, but how many are SERIOUS about winning. So, in my training business, there are many players. They filled up almost the large hall that I went for the seminar. But in my mind, I asked myself how many really want to win and win big, from their eyes, I could probably see about 20. Well, 20 for the whole country provides ample opportunities for all of us.
Are you in your line of business just to compete or you truly are determined to complete the race and win? I do hear about all the reasons how their competitors have bigger budget, better people, better network and more experience. My question to you remains: "What do you want to do about it?" Some choose to withdraw -good,, at least there is a closure to the issue and you focus your energy somewhere else where you have the leverage. Some choose to put their best foot forward - for those, I congratulate you. Some choose to keep complaining - I'm sorry for you because you will be despised, tortured, deprived, depressed, disappointed and finally beaten and exit the market. There are MANY reasons why we can lose. I'm waiting for that ONE reason why you can win.
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