What's stopping you?

When I do coaching with my clients, one of the very important factors that help accelerate the improvement is the ability to pinpoint the true underlying issue. Based on experience, the issue that is discussed at the beginning is usually not the real issue. The trap is, if we address the surface issue, the issue will not go away or in worse situations, it manifests itself in other forms of issues.

One of the effective technique I use for self improvement coaching is the CAWISHDA technique. The name sounds strange? It's an acronym made up of 4 words - can, will, should and dare.

When something cannot be done, most of us say 'I cannot do it'. On the surface, it appears like a skill problem. If it is a skill problem, then getting a teacher to teach will solve the problem. But why isn't that happening? Perhaps, it's more than just 'I cannot.'

When a person really cannot do something, it is skill-related and generally that can be resolved by learning and practicing. Even if you cannot reach your expectation, it's somewhere around there (partly because there are external factors that are out of your influence.

There are times that when we say we cannot, it could mean something else. Here are three possibilities:

I cannot = I will not (我不肯）
When it's about 'you will not', it means that you CAN do it but you don't WANT to do it in order to 'protect' some benefits that you are having now. For example, I will not join the gym because I don't want to lose my money if it turns out that I don't like it. So, I'm protecting my money from being wasted.

I cannot = I should not (我不该）
'Should' generally indicates that the action is violating certain rules or values that we have. In other words, we CAN do it but we don't think it's right to do it. For example, we can make a lot of money from helping others to raise fund. While that's legitimate and those who earn money out of it find that a 'win-win situation', others detest such acts. Hence, even if raising fund is something that they can do well, they will not do it as it violates their values.

I cannot = I dare not (我不敢）
There are times we know it is the right thing to do and logically we know we are able to do. But yet we don't do. It could be a case of confidence (state) or fear (emotion). Hence, it is more effective to focus on how to build confidence or manage the anxiety caused by fear. People who are afraid of height (vertigo) know the hanging bridge is safe. They also know that they are able to walk because walking on low grounds and walking a bridge is the same. And yet they don't because of the fear.

This is a short write up and we will not discuss how to handle value change or managing fear. However, the good news is that once we are able to bring the real issue to the table, your conscious mind can now see the actual problem and resolve it within your means.

So, each time when you hear someone says 'I cannot', always ask "you mean you cannot, you will not, you should not or you dare not?"

CAWISHDA!