You and I have occasions where your friends talk about their predicament over a cup of coffee. After a long discussion, there appears to be no solution because whatever you suggest was quickly turned down by this friend with double the reasons. All reasons seem to be valid and hence, you felt it was better to keep quiet. Then, you guys hug each other and bid farewell and here goes another 'unsolved mystery'.
Going through some of these 'unsolved mysteries', I realize that there appears to be a very common trait. While in training, I learnt a technique that was usually able to smoke out the real reason. It's called the 5 whys. No, don't get it wrong that it is the typical where, what, when...It's much simpler than that. It is 5 whys. Yes, it is why, why, why, why why.
The technique simply suggests that you must ask the reason for an outcome and each time you have the reason, ask why again until you reach the 5th reason. By then, that is most probably the true reason. So, applying this 5Y technique to the predicament of my friends, it seems that all at the end of the day point out to 2 things. The 4th why is usually the 'fear of the unknown'. The 5th : ‘fear of blaming oneself'.
Fear of the unknown is bad. It's is even scarier than the scariest movie. It's another type of horror. Not those that give you nightmare, but horror that sabotages your system and make you fail to think logically. Each time you hit this level, your mind will shut down and tell you that 'do not go beyond this level'. How do you know you have hit this level? Simple. Just imagine that your spouse will leave you one day. What's the next reaction? If it is, 'I will commit suicide' then bingo...you know it.
See how simple the mind turns illogical and irrational suddenly? The reason why someone goes suicidal is because is they have no courage to see beyond that. They can't even tell themselves that 'ok, let me try to live for 1 month and if it's no good, I'll review my life'. Nah, never logical.
Many never dare to think of changing their job because of this fear. Many don't think of changing girlfriends because of this fear. Hence, the fear of the unknown is so powerful that it disallows you to THINK beyond that situation. And because you dare not think, hence there's no action.
The 5th element is ultimate. The fear of self blame. While the 4th tries to jam your system to think logically, the 5th element even stops those who manage to think logically. Self blame has been the mother of all change failures. It is so subconscious that we could have been doing it for years but still do not realize it.
Here are many examples:
- How many times you have told yourself that when you have tried your best, it's ok if it doesn't work out. In other words, you don't have to blame yourself.
- When you have locked all your doors and still it's broken into, that's God's will. In other words, don't blame yourself. You put your money in fixed deposit rather than into some other investments. The reason is that it is more conservative and safer even though you know that it may not be enough for you when you retire. The true reason: you don't want to blame yourself in case you lose your money in other investment.
- Some people consult mentors, ex-colleagues and even mediums before they change jobs or get into a new business venture. Why? Due to collective wisdom, the decision to change seems to be the right reason. If it doesn't work well, then no one is to blame because everyone thinks it’s right.
The ultimate test is to ask ourselves, what is so wrong in taking responsibilities? What's so wrong in blaming ourselves? Why not just apologize to yourself and move on. I know straight away, someone may protest that if they do blame themselves, they will never be able to come back to their normal self again. Sound familiar? It is the 4th why in action. Fear of the unknown. But do be aware that there are people who have a habit of ‘blaming themselves’. That is another category I call ‘it has to be painful to be meaningful’. See my earlier blogs for details.
Back to self blame, there's this joke which demonstrates how we could have handled a situation without much effort but yet it’s so difficult. In America, when someone farts, they say excuse me. In England, when someone farts, they say pardon me. In Malaysia, when someone farts, what do they say? NOT ME!
