You help the best when you help nothing at all...

Does the above title sound familiar? It's picked up from the romantic song by Ronan Keating (with some modification, of course). So, the best help is when you are not helping!

Some point in our lives, we have tried to help others before and there are times we learnt the painful lesson of help goes unappreciated. May be we even tell ourselves, "Ah, forget about helping. That guy doesn't even utter a little thank you."

Well, if that situation happens, that means you may have given such noble help and strange enough (but yet true), it goes unnoticed and hence unappreciated. More confusing? Well, here’s the explanation.

There is a noble saying “If you give a person a fish, it will last a day. If you teach them to fish, they will fish for a lifetime.” In other words, helping someone to develop the skills to solve problems should be the best help. Yes, I fully agree but (yes, there's always a 'but') will the guy appreciate it? Most likely not. That's because if the guy thinks that a problem is solved using his own skill, he may attribute that to his skill but not necessarily to your help to mold that skill. In other words, it goes unnoticed. So on the Top 40 countdown, helping people to avoid problems is the least noticed and hence the least appreciated.

2nd most appreciated help is when you are literally seen lending a hand to a friend. This guy, once the problem is solved will 'thank you for your help'.

The most appreciated help, yes, no.1 on the countdown, is when you didn’t help to solve a problem at all and that is called ‘lending a shoulder’!! What??

Well, here's the truth. A friend is sobbing because her father has just passed away. Feeling sorry and yet knowing you can't bring back her father, you pick up some lines from some movies like 'well, that's how nature is', 'we got to be strong and carry on', and even lend a shoulder for the friend to cry on. Guess what?? You probably get a hand-written thank you letter signed off with 'you are a true friend indeed'. What have you solved actually? Not sure. Did you resurrect his father? Definitely no.

Then 10 years later, during her 30th birthday and someone asks her to give a speech, she may still say ‘I’m glad I have so many friends that helped me over the years and you are one of them!” Yeah…recognition for not helping much.

So, when we start helping others especially those that teach friends to fish, do be prepared that your help may not go noticed. But again, should we help then or may be it is more ‘cost-efficient’ to just lend a shoulder? It all depends on your objective. Here is a little test that you can do to determine:

You hear some crying in a drain. As you approach it, you see a dog trying to get out of it. Out of compassion, you help it to get out. When the dog is safely out, it bites your hand and run away. Now, what emotions do you CHOOSE to feel? Feel angry because that bloody dog does not appreciate your help OR feel happy the dog is finally safe?

If you are choosing anger, then your ultimate objective of helping is actually to get ‘appreciated help’. If you choose happiness, then your intention is to safe the dog.

So, what’s your choice?

The power of 'mixing with the right group'

Part 1
I do spend time in the bookstore often and there is this book of everyday motivational phrases. One of the phrases reads: 'if you want to be youthful, stay useful'!

I find this phrase so inspiring that it should be my guide when I reach 50 (of course, I think I'm quite useful now). This powerful phrase has become my weapon each time I see a person above 50. Each time I tell them this phrase, I could see the resonance and each time, I enjoyed seeing the eyes of these guys sparkle...except one retired golf guy.

Part 2
He said, 'Kua, you are right to say that we should stay useful in order to be youthful. I have one more strategy to share...'

After his revelation, I realized that it were my eyes that sparkle! What was so inspiring? Here it is: 'In order to stay young, stay with the young!'
That is so true that we can even use this mantra now, not when we reach 50. It is all about benchmarking actually. When we mix with friends who are religious, we suddenly want to be more religious. When we spend more time with health-conscious friends, we suddenly talk more about health too.

Apart from talking more on the subjects among our friends, there is another important reason to do so. Our expectation becomes higher and surprisingly, our body will respond to this new demand! That's no magic but just about 'our body responding to our new target'. What is one bombastic term used by trainers for this phenomenon? Yes...mindpower! Another term? Yes...mentoring! Another? No, not mixing. Yes! Benchmarking.

So, let's look around us. Are we behaving like our close friends? Is that good? If yes, continue. Are there any areas you want to improve on but the current standard among your friends are lower or equal to yours? If yes, it's time to look for more friends in this area. Very soon, our expectation is raised and naturally, our mind and body will respond to the new standards!

Why should we be contented just because we only have hypertension while our friends have both hypertension and diabetes? Why not we ask ourselves how can we be as fit as our young friends?

So, it all boils down to 'mixing with the right group' or more aptly put, 'the power of mixing with the right group'

Happy befriending!