How different is difference?

Most of us, including myself, analyze things by spotting the differences; long versus short, large versus small or red versus blue. This works well most of the time especially when things are concerned. When it comes to people, it gets more difficult as I start to relate the difference to my values and make judgement accordingly.

What I have learnt to accept differences nowadays is not about trying to rationalize the differences. Logically, it makes sense and things should work easily. However, the fact of the matter is that my unconscious mind (UM) is objecting the decision to fully embracing the logic and the difference. Why?

I notice the UM works like our blood. The moment there is a 'foreign' matter detected in the body, an automatic mechanism is activated to reject the matter and start attacking it, sometimes to the point of over-reacting or better known as allergy. I notice UM is the same. It can still overreact although we consciously reason with it and the reasons seem substantial. It just rejects.

So, instead of trying to reconcile the difference, I now apply a different strategy. I reconcile using the similarities. In other words, it's not a foreign matter but a very similar matter like my own type, only that  it varies to a small extent. Surprisingly, the acceptance is much higher instantly. Yup! I found my own  vaccine!

So, here is the concoction for the vaccine :

When we identify 2 things being different, they are not truly different. In fact, they are the same except for some part (or sub modalities) of the matter vary to some degrees. Take for instance an angry man. How different is he from a cool guy? The angry guy is the same as the cool guy except for the following:

- intensity : he has more irritation than the cool guy 

- frequency : he is angry more often that the cool guy

- range : the angry guy could go up to throwing things around while the cool guy merely talks louder
- sequence : the angry guy flares first then think while the cool guy think first before flaring

For me, I find it easier to accept the difference and over and above that, I know in which areas the person should work on. 

Let's take another example: procrastination

- intensity: that guy can procrastinate for 2 weeks while mine is only 2 days

- frequency: that guy does it every day while I do it some of the days

- range: that guy procrastinates on all matters while I only do it for major matters
- sequence: that guy will do after procrastinating while I just do without the earlier step

Hey, aren't we both the same, we both get the work done??!!

Are we all actors?

From time to time, I will come across actors or actresses who are so committed in playing their roles that once they have accepted the role for a movie, they start preparing for the role as early as 12 months before the shoot. More impressive is their ability to gain weight or slim down according to the needs of the role they have decided, and better still, they can get back to their normal weight. Of course, these professional actors are disciplined to do whatever necessary to get into 'shape'.  They also have professional advisers or trainers to help them.

However, besides all these external help plus their own discipline, there is another motivating force. They are so engrossed with the role they will act that they 'become' the person they believe they are. They believe they are that person in the movie and that give them the motivation to move towards the shape they want to. There is a shift in their identity. By that change, we are consciously motivated or even unconsciously driven to do what it takes to get what we want. That is the power of identity. When we assume a certain identity, we are ready to accept certain actions or decisions as though it is part of 'us'.

We are not actors and we don't have a role to play in some mega movies. But does that mean we are not assuming a certain role or character in our daily life? You may have come across a smoker who immediately stops smoking when she knows she is pregnant, almost instantly. How can she do it? The mind and body just automatically reject smoking as it does not augur with their new ID as a caring mother. The same goes for a person who still drags himself to give a training despite he is very ill. He believes that he is a professional and he just cannot let 200 participants sitting in a hall staring at a empty stage without the speaker. It is against his ID and he will do whatever it takes to make sure he is there. For some strange reasons, he seems to be able to draw his energy from thin air.

So, we do assume a certain identity in our mind and we are motivated by it and we 'act' towards it. This ID is usually reflected as our values too. That explains why sometimes it is so easy for us to accept certain changes and some changes make us so uneasy and sleepless at night. So, do you know who you are acting as? Start with what you treasure most, what you like most and what you hate most. All these new details will give you an idea or some ideas of who you are acting as.

So, Shakespeare was right - "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players"

Close Encounter With the 3rd Kind

The world of spirits has always intrigued me, not because that I have anything to do with it but more because there are so many theories from west to east and not many of my questions are answered. The questions I have are most likely the same questions that you may have. So, rather than reading reports, watch movies and documentaries,why not I just go direct: Talk to someone who can see the spirit realm and get my very own first-hand information.

Here are the questions with my answers and analyses after talking to a key 'witness':

Q: Do they come only at night?
A: No. They appear in broad day light as well. So, day, night, rain or shine, they can be there.

Q: How do they look like?
A: Most of the time, it is merely a shadowy blurry thing. If you have watched The Eye 2, the early scene of  shadowy blurry figures surrounding a pregnant woman is close to the description. Interestingly, for baby ghosts (鬼仔 or toyol), they appear in a baby shape. There are generally 3 types: black, white and red. I think black and white are more because of the background just like dust on a black car appears grey and appears black on a white car. For red, that's seen as high energy or dangerous ones.

Q: Do they wear clothes?
A : It is blurry and so we don't really see what they wear. However, based on witness' account, he encountered a well dressed couple spirits who speak good English. It is still hard to say whether they should be categorized under spirits or angels.

Q: Do they appear more during Hungry Ghost period?
A: Nah. There is no special season.

Q: Can they appear anywhere?
A: Yes, they appear in houses, hotels, highways and also in holy places. Churches and temples have equal sightings of spirits (unless we don't categorize those as spirits). Jungles are full of them.

Q: What areas around Bandar Utama are considered hot areas?
A: Road between KBU and Kota Damansara appears to be high. The other one is the tunnel on LDP near KDU. Bukit Kiara is also worth mentioning.

Q: Why people who can say usually don't want to communicate with them?
A: Once the spirits know a person can see them, usually they will follow closely and try to communicate through these people. Even when these gifted people pretend they cannot see, the spirits will still do funny things to verify. They may suddenly appear in front of these people just to check if these people can see.

Q: Can they be reflected on a mirror?
A: Yes, they do cast an image on the mirror and they can sit in cars too.

Q: Can amulets or religious items ward off the spirits?
A: According to witness' account, they just flow pass as and when they like.

Q: Can they get into the physical world such as physical contact?

A: According to key witness' account, a person can feel their touching. There are also accounts of them reversing the orientation of the magnets (i.e. north to south pole), sounds of coins dropping between the ceiling and roof and gush of wind.

Q: What are the signs that a spirit is in the surrounding?
A: One sure sign is when the lights flicker.



Note: Spirits is a very subjective matter and I leave it to you to judge.  

Between you and you

There is this game where I usually play while waiting for dinner when I am in a company outing. Since the food served is usually Chinese dishes, we usually sit in a round table. That sitting arrangement gives me a good chance to start asking 'sensitive questions'. The questions asked are nothing more than hypothetical questions and I always love to watch the expression my colleagues wear on their face.

Although I keep reminding everyone that the questions are hypothetical, I can still see the big struggle on the face of the 'victim'. This goes to show one important thing: Our mind cannot differentiate between real and unreal. And because of that, we dare not make some decisions in fear that it will be a wrong decision despite it is hypothetical.

May be because of this, a lot of people I know dare not make decisions that affect their lives. Decisions such as when to retire, who to marry, what job to pursue or what passion to follow are often left open..sometimes forever open.

Since our unconscious cannot differentiate between facts and fiction, then it is hard to convince it to differentiate which is which. So, does it mean the situation is hopeless? Relax....there is hope. If you believe fire can fight fire, then we can also make fiction as part of facts or better still facts as part of fiction.

Sorry if I sound complicated. Actually I am haha....

Here is what we can do. Since the unconscious mind cannot tell the difference between fiction and reality, why not we now empower of mind hypothetically? Why not we tell our mind we have superpower and that our power will help us decide whatever we want and it is always right. This little additional info is truly minor to us, but to the unconscious mind it is true and it is BIG. With that new empowerment, we will be able to make better decisions.

We need to know that when we are deciding in our mind and we have not taken any action or inform anyone, it is really really between you and YOU. Since it is a mere private thought, we can always decide it and then review later.

Now, when we give superpower to our unconscious mind and when we know we can review it anytime we want it, these 2 new conditions that we acquire will give us all the resources we need to DECIDE. Too simple? It is really that simple actually.

Now, regarding the game that I used to play by asking sensitive questions, here is a question for you: If your spouse has an ex before marriage, would hope it is your best friend? Before you cringe, remember these 2 techniques: Empower yourself that you are a supercool person and then remember the decision is between you and....YOU! Decide with your superpower and then review later.

To Compete or To Complete?

Once, I went to a seminar in a large hall and there were probably about a thousand guests. Then the speaker started to play game and give away one grand prize only. In the 1st round, there were about 500 people that participated. I was one of them. By the 3rd round, there were about 20 people left and by the 5th, we had a winner.

The speaker asked the audience a very simple but scary question: "How many of you actually have the real intention to win the grand prize?" I looked a round and realized that there were actually not more than 20 people out of a THOUSAND!!

So, when I saw a thousand people, I actually spoke to myself "Aaah! There are a thousand people and do I really stand a chance?" So, I actually participated for the sake of participating. If I would have known that actually there were actually only 20 people who were serious, then I would have played more seriously.

That experience gave me a very important lesson. I don't see competitors as to how many there ARE, but how many are SERIOUS about winning. So, in my training business, there are many players. They filled up almost the large hall that I went for the seminar. But in my mind, I asked myself how many really want to win and win big, from their eyes, I could probably see about 20. Well, 20 for the whole country provides ample opportunities for all of us.

Are you in your line of business just to compete or you truly are determined to complete the race and win? I do hear about all the reasons how their competitors have bigger budget, better people, better network and more experience. My question to you remains: "What do you want to do about it?" Some choose to withdraw -good,, at least there is a closure to the issue and you focus your energy somewhere else where you have the leverage. Some choose to put their best foot forward - for those, I congratulate you. Some choose to keep complaining - I'm sorry for you because you will be despised, tortured, deprived, depressed, disappointed and finally beaten and exit the market. There are MANY reasons why we can lose. I'm waiting for that ONE reason why you can win.

Change Your Rules, Change Your Resuts

Imagine you are playing soccer and it's ok to use your hands. Will that not change the entire dynamics of soccer? Imagine we earn credits to buy things we want through good behavior and not through working for money? Will the world change?


Well, while some things may take a long long time to change, there are certain things that we can change very much in this life time itself. It's called self change. There is an ancient Chinese proverb that says 'it is easier to change a mountain than to change one's character.' Personally, I don't think so. I believe we can change if we WANT to change.


For things to improve, the key is really not the change but more of what the change represents. The change is easy. The effort slightly more difficult. But the resistance to change gets really difficult. The intention to resist change is good so that we maintain consistency. Otherwise, we may becomes schizophrenic all the time. Hence, resistance is the way to maintain our personality and identity and perhaps...our sanity.


However, this natural resistance to change sometimes becomes overdue. It is still 'holding true' to a set of assumptions that was true in the past. But the situation has changed but our unconscious mind is not aware of or refuse to accept (largely because there is no strong evidence). The good news is that if we can 'rationalize' with our unconscious mind, we are able to deactivate this resistance for some 'system upgrade' to happen. Once completed, then we will see a new behavior very much like the inception of a new idea in the mind (like the movie 'Inception').


To rationalize with the unconscious, it does not mean we speak logically with it. It would have worked long time ago if it could. We need to 'rationalize' the emotional aspects that the resistance is trying to protect. Ask ourselves, what happen if we change? Leave the logical effects aside, and focus on the emotional aspects. Does some form of fear come out? Does it cause anger? All these emotional hijacks are indicators that we have hit a right chord. Ask yourself for what reasons you have such emotions? After a few questions, you usually arrive at some root emotions that the resistance is trying to protect.


Usually, these are 3 types of 'key witnesses' that Resistance try to protect and how you can loosen it:


1) complex equivalent - by changing X, it means Y. e.g. changing my clothes means I am weak. Hint: ask yourself "how do you know?"; "has there been a situation where you have changed and you become more in control?"


2) identity crisis - i.e. by changing something, you are not yourself anymore. "If I change, I will be like that neighbor I hate so much". Hint: ask yourself "besides your neighbor, are there others you like who also do it and truly benefit from the change?" "would you be able to do it but with a bit of extra conditions?"


3) attachment - e.g. by changing, that means you have to let go something else. "If I change, I will need to let go the desire to achieve my dream too" It may not be true, but that is how our unconscious mind works though. Hint: ask yourself "Are there other ways to continue preserving that feeling besides current method?" "What if you can change and at the same time preserving the feeling?"


Change is not by chance. It is largely about changing our rules in our minds. If you can change the rule, you can then change the results. Imagine you have a rule in your own soccer game where the rest can only use their legs but you can use both legs and hands? But then again, some will not even dare to imagine that because the resistance is trying to protect you from 'unfairness'. Which category will that be? Yes, it can be no.1 or no.2 and may be no.3 too!

2 x 5 does not equal to 10

I have conducted various trainings and just like any other trainers, I ask questions to understand my audience better. One of the frequent questions is the years of experience in the participants' profession. It has happened to me so often that moving forward, I have decided not to take the participants' years of experience as answers but merely suggestions to be further verified. That's because most of the time, the years of working does not commensurate with the participants' level of understanding in their profession. For example, a guy may say he has worked in his industry for 10 years. After a few questions and also some role play, I realize that the person's experience is actually around 5 and not 10 years. I started to realize that the person actually has 5 years of experience but repeated twice (5 x 2). That's why his experience is only 5 years. If the person does not continue to improve himself, he will be 5 years x 3 in the next 5 years. So, when you say you have worked in your industry for 15 years, what do you actually mean? Is it 15 years where each year you improve yourself? Or 5 years x 3 which means you stop learning after the 5th year and you just repeat what you have learnt for year 6 to year 15? The key take-out: if you stop learning, your years of experience stops too. Happy learning!