Change Your Rules, Change Your Resuts

Imagine you are playing soccer and it's ok to use your hands. Will that not change the entire dynamics of soccer? Imagine we earn credits to buy things we want through good behavior and not through working for money? Will the world change?


Well, while some things may take a long long time to change, there are certain things that we can change very much in this life time itself. It's called self change. There is an ancient Chinese proverb that says 'it is easier to change a mountain than to change one's character.' Personally, I don't think so. I believe we can change if we WANT to change.


For things to improve, the key is really not the change but more of what the change represents. The change is easy. The effort slightly more difficult. But the resistance to change gets really difficult. The intention to resist change is good so that we maintain consistency. Otherwise, we may becomes schizophrenic all the time. Hence, resistance is the way to maintain our personality and identity and perhaps...our sanity.


However, this natural resistance to change sometimes becomes overdue. It is still 'holding true' to a set of assumptions that was true in the past. But the situation has changed but our unconscious mind is not aware of or refuse to accept (largely because there is no strong evidence). The good news is that if we can 'rationalize' with our unconscious mind, we are able to deactivate this resistance for some 'system upgrade' to happen. Once completed, then we will see a new behavior very much like the inception of a new idea in the mind (like the movie 'Inception').


To rationalize with the unconscious, it does not mean we speak logically with it. It would have worked long time ago if it could. We need to 'rationalize' the emotional aspects that the resistance is trying to protect. Ask ourselves, what happen if we change? Leave the logical effects aside, and focus on the emotional aspects. Does some form of fear come out? Does it cause anger? All these emotional hijacks are indicators that we have hit a right chord. Ask yourself for what reasons you have such emotions? After a few questions, you usually arrive at some root emotions that the resistance is trying to protect.


Usually, these are 3 types of 'key witnesses' that Resistance try to protect and how you can loosen it:


1) complex equivalent - by changing X, it means Y. e.g. changing my clothes means I am weak. Hint: ask yourself "how do you know?"; "has there been a situation where you have changed and you become more in control?"


2) identity crisis - i.e. by changing something, you are not yourself anymore. "If I change, I will be like that neighbor I hate so much". Hint: ask yourself "besides your neighbor, are there others you like who also do it and truly benefit from the change?" "would you be able to do it but with a bit of extra conditions?"


3) attachment - e.g. by changing, that means you have to let go something else. "If I change, I will need to let go the desire to achieve my dream too" It may not be true, but that is how our unconscious mind works though. Hint: ask yourself "Are there other ways to continue preserving that feeling besides current method?" "What if you can change and at the same time preserving the feeling?"


Change is not by chance. It is largely about changing our rules in our minds. If you can change the rule, you can then change the results. Imagine you have a rule in your own soccer game where the rest can only use their legs but you can use both legs and hands? But then again, some will not even dare to imagine that because the resistance is trying to protect you from 'unfairness'. Which category will that be? Yes, it can be no.1 or no.2 and may be no.3 too!

Thunderstorm in the mind

To those who celebrate the Chinese New Year, hope you have good gains besides cholesterol and weight :)

Before I touch on this subject which I'm sure is still a mystery to you, allow me to share a real simple incident that happened to me leading into this important realization.

I have 2 tongue scrappers in my toilet, one with a pink tag and one with a blue tag. My son slept in my room and we shared the same bathroom. One day, my kid learnt to use the tongue scrapper and ever since, he has been using it. As a matter of hygiene, we don't share the scrappers. My son likes blue color and presumably he will use the tongue scrapper with the blue tag. In the morning, i usually wake up much earlier than the rest and usually do not switch on the lights in order not to wake the rest up. In that gloomy bathroom, I will try hard to identify the scrapper with the pink tag. Every morning I do that and then 1 day, I told myself 'just pick one and if it's the wrong one, so be it!' That day was a good day because I realized an important lesson. Here it is:

Many a time, we want to have only the good things to happen. What we do is that we try to prolong some good events for as long as possible. Even if we can, back in our mind, we are still worried that one day, this good blessing may end. At the same time, we think of ways to fight or avoid any bad incidents from happening. If we compare these good and bad things that occur upon us, it is just like the blue and pink tongue scrappers. However, IF we can accept both good and bad events, and accept that they will come one way or another, suddenly you will realize that you have new-found energy and new-found peace. The thunderstorm in your mind suddenly ceases and it becomes a peaceful and refreshing secret garden. Everything is clean, refreshing and cooling.

However, don't get me wrong. We should continue to put effort in making the good things longer and do not intentionally invite bad things to come. The main difference is that, we are NOT WORRIED about bad things happening or good things not being prolonged. In other words, we still maintain peace in the mind regardless of what may come next. Mentally, we accept both and our mind is focused on how to deal with it, rather than dealing with the fear of it.

Have you had a good holiday and back in your mind, you wonder what bad things may happen in the office when you get back to work? Have you had the satisfaction when your stocks in the share market are doing well but you have concerns that the price may go down tomorrow? If we can accept that the good news and the bad news will come, share prices will go up and down...thenn the thunderstorm in your brain will cease.

It's very subtle and sometimes we do not notice. Here is a list of examples and hopefully it will help you recognize the source of thunderstorm in your mind:

- joy of meeting and sorrow of departing
- anticipation of good news and bad news
- good and bad investment
- good rumours and bad rumours about oneself
- genuine donations and scams
- finding friends honest and dishonest
- your loved ones love you more in some times and but less in some other times


Make your mind a peaceful secret garden :)