Between you and you

There is this game where I usually play while waiting for dinner when I am in a company outing. Since the food served is usually Chinese dishes, we usually sit in a round table. That sitting arrangement gives me a good chance to start asking 'sensitive questions'. The questions asked are nothing more than hypothetical questions and I always love to watch the expression my colleagues wear on their face.

Although I keep reminding everyone that the questions are hypothetical, I can still see the big struggle on the face of the 'victim'. This goes to show one important thing: Our mind cannot differentiate between real and unreal. And because of that, we dare not make some decisions in fear that it will be a wrong decision despite it is hypothetical.

May be because of this, a lot of people I know dare not make decisions that affect their lives. Decisions such as when to retire, who to marry, what job to pursue or what passion to follow are often left open..sometimes forever open.

Since our unconscious cannot differentiate between facts and fiction, then it is hard to convince it to differentiate which is which. So, does it mean the situation is hopeless? Relax....there is hope. If you believe fire can fight fire, then we can also make fiction as part of facts or better still facts as part of fiction.

Sorry if I sound complicated. Actually I am haha....

Here is what we can do. Since the unconscious mind cannot tell the difference between fiction and reality, why not we now empower of mind hypothetically? Why not we tell our mind we have superpower and that our power will help us decide whatever we want and it is always right. This little additional info is truly minor to us, but to the unconscious mind it is true and it is BIG. With that new empowerment, we will be able to make better decisions.

We need to know that when we are deciding in our mind and we have not taken any action or inform anyone, it is really really between you and YOU. Since it is a mere private thought, we can always decide it and then review later.

Now, when we give superpower to our unconscious mind and when we know we can review it anytime we want it, these 2 new conditions that we acquire will give us all the resources we need to DECIDE. Too simple? It is really that simple actually.

Now, regarding the game that I used to play by asking sensitive questions, here is a question for you: If your spouse has an ex before marriage, would hope it is your best friend? Before you cringe, remember these 2 techniques: Empower yourself that you are a supercool person and then remember the decision is between you and....YOU! Decide with your superpower and then review later.

To Compete or To Complete?

Once, I went to a seminar in a large hall and there were probably about a thousand guests. Then the speaker started to play game and give away one grand prize only. In the 1st round, there were about 500 people that participated. I was one of them. By the 3rd round, there were about 20 people left and by the 5th, we had a winner.

The speaker asked the audience a very simple but scary question: "How many of you actually have the real intention to win the grand prize?" I looked a round and realized that there were actually not more than 20 people out of a THOUSAND!!

So, when I saw a thousand people, I actually spoke to myself "Aaah! There are a thousand people and do I really stand a chance?" So, I actually participated for the sake of participating. If I would have known that actually there were actually only 20 people who were serious, then I would have played more seriously.

That experience gave me a very important lesson. I don't see competitors as to how many there ARE, but how many are SERIOUS about winning. So, in my training business, there are many players. They filled up almost the large hall that I went for the seminar. But in my mind, I asked myself how many really want to win and win big, from their eyes, I could probably see about 20. Well, 20 for the whole country provides ample opportunities for all of us.

Are you in your line of business just to compete or you truly are determined to complete the race and win? I do hear about all the reasons how their competitors have bigger budget, better people, better network and more experience. My question to you remains: "What do you want to do about it?" Some choose to withdraw -good,, at least there is a closure to the issue and you focus your energy somewhere else where you have the leverage. Some choose to put their best foot forward - for those, I congratulate you. Some choose to keep complaining - I'm sorry for you because you will be despised, tortured, deprived, depressed, disappointed and finally beaten and exit the market. There are MANY reasons why we can lose. I'm waiting for that ONE reason why you can win.

Change Your Rules, Change Your Resuts

Imagine you are playing soccer and it's ok to use your hands. Will that not change the entire dynamics of soccer? Imagine we earn credits to buy things we want through good behavior and not through working for money? Will the world change?


Well, while some things may take a long long time to change, there are certain things that we can change very much in this life time itself. It's called self change. There is an ancient Chinese proverb that says 'it is easier to change a mountain than to change one's character.' Personally, I don't think so. I believe we can change if we WANT to change.


For things to improve, the key is really not the change but more of what the change represents. The change is easy. The effort slightly more difficult. But the resistance to change gets really difficult. The intention to resist change is good so that we maintain consistency. Otherwise, we may becomes schizophrenic all the time. Hence, resistance is the way to maintain our personality and identity and perhaps...our sanity.


However, this natural resistance to change sometimes becomes overdue. It is still 'holding true' to a set of assumptions that was true in the past. But the situation has changed but our unconscious mind is not aware of or refuse to accept (largely because there is no strong evidence). The good news is that if we can 'rationalize' with our unconscious mind, we are able to deactivate this resistance for some 'system upgrade' to happen. Once completed, then we will see a new behavior very much like the inception of a new idea in the mind (like the movie 'Inception').


To rationalize with the unconscious, it does not mean we speak logically with it. It would have worked long time ago if it could. We need to 'rationalize' the emotional aspects that the resistance is trying to protect. Ask ourselves, what happen if we change? Leave the logical effects aside, and focus on the emotional aspects. Does some form of fear come out? Does it cause anger? All these emotional hijacks are indicators that we have hit a right chord. Ask yourself for what reasons you have such emotions? After a few questions, you usually arrive at some root emotions that the resistance is trying to protect.


Usually, these are 3 types of 'key witnesses' that Resistance try to protect and how you can loosen it:


1) complex equivalent - by changing X, it means Y. e.g. changing my clothes means I am weak. Hint: ask yourself "how do you know?"; "has there been a situation where you have changed and you become more in control?"


2) identity crisis - i.e. by changing something, you are not yourself anymore. "If I change, I will be like that neighbor I hate so much". Hint: ask yourself "besides your neighbor, are there others you like who also do it and truly benefit from the change?" "would you be able to do it but with a bit of extra conditions?"


3) attachment - e.g. by changing, that means you have to let go something else. "If I change, I will need to let go the desire to achieve my dream too" It may not be true, but that is how our unconscious mind works though. Hint: ask yourself "Are there other ways to continue preserving that feeling besides current method?" "What if you can change and at the same time preserving the feeling?"


Change is not by chance. It is largely about changing our rules in our minds. If you can change the rule, you can then change the results. Imagine you have a rule in your own soccer game where the rest can only use their legs but you can use both legs and hands? But then again, some will not even dare to imagine that because the resistance is trying to protect you from 'unfairness'. Which category will that be? Yes, it can be no.1 or no.2 and may be no.3 too!

2 x 5 does not equal to 10

I have conducted various trainings and just like any other trainers, I ask questions to understand my audience better. One of the frequent questions is the years of experience in the participants' profession. It has happened to me so often that moving forward, I have decided not to take the participants' years of experience as answers but merely suggestions to be further verified. That's because most of the time, the years of working does not commensurate with the participants' level of understanding in their profession. For example, a guy may say he has worked in his industry for 10 years. After a few questions and also some role play, I realize that the person's experience is actually around 5 and not 10 years. I started to realize that the person actually has 5 years of experience but repeated twice (5 x 2). That's why his experience is only 5 years. If the person does not continue to improve himself, he will be 5 years x 3 in the next 5 years. So, when you say you have worked in your industry for 15 years, what do you actually mean? Is it 15 years where each year you improve yourself? Or 5 years x 3 which means you stop learning after the 5th year and you just repeat what you have learnt for year 6 to year 15? The key take-out: if you stop learning, your years of experience stops too. Happy learning!

To do or not to do?

There are many times that we ponder on our challenges and after many moments of pondering, we are still pondering. It could be our next job, our next trip or even in minor things like our next watch to buy. The question is not deciding which one to buy but a step earlier than that. It is about should we start deciding.This 'limbo' creates a very common situation across the people I know. It lands us into the land of 'inaction'. Things just.......stop.

With some serious thinking made on this subject based on my personal encounter recently, I realize that this inaction stems out from uncertainty. When the outcome is uncertain, we will therefore unable to decide or take action. For example, there are times that your alarm clock is working but once a while it doesn't. Do you change your alarm clock? Most likely we don't because it is 'once in a blue moon'. Because of that, we continue to 'suffer' from the uncertainty which is big enough to complain but too small to take any action. And the outcome? Still like that lor...Inaction.

There will continue be situations where the outcome can be uncertain. Rather than 'suffer', why not we take a stand? We make an assumption i.e. that the situation will DEFINITELY turn into a specific outcome. When the situation becomes certain, we will then naturally take action. If there is such a word, we should 'CERTAINTIZE' it.

Simply, make things happen by deciding what will happen in a limbo. Once we have that certainty, we will move things.

Don't 'justify' your life

Recently, I have conducted quite a few trainings for Sales that are generally made up of sales reps and promoters. I notice that some of the participants do not view themselves as important player in their organization. Later, I also noted that many also do not view themselves as 'important figures' in their personal life.

If that guy is a father, how would such thoughts impact his family? How would the kids see him? If that guy is a son, how would the parents take it after all the sacrifices they make to bring him up? The questions continue....

One common word that strikes across all the comments I receive from this group is this extremely vulgar word that kills all opportunities and make the owner rots slowly but surely. The word is 'JUST'.

What they keep doing is to insert this cancerous word in all their life statements. Instead of saying 'I am an employee of my company', they prefer to say 'I am just an employee of this company'. Here is a list of claims I'm sure you have heard before (even we have uttered it sometimes):

I am just a manager here. How can I change anything?
I am just a fresh graduate. How I can add any values?
I am just a father. You expect me to work like a Superman?
I am just a temporary worker. Why should I meddle?
I am just a housewife. What big things can I do?

What they have done is justifying their inaction by adding the word 'just'. In an interesting way, I prefer to call it 'justifying their identities' i.e. the act of adding the word 'just' in their life.

Because of this 'justification', they will continue to drag themselves, happily justifying their lack of actions but unhappily feeling the pain of the injustice in life....far from realizing that they were part of this vicious cycle themselves.

So, dear readers, do not justify your life. You are bigger than what you think and you can be a Show Stopper (that means you are so important that disasters can happen if you are not there).

So, don't JUST BE but be ALL you can BE!

Self sabotage is self defense

After doing my own training for close to 2 years now, I notice among my participants, friends and relatives, there are many who are good at being bad. Strange? Not really when I explain further. Have you spoken to someone who is in trouble and tell you how down he is. However, when you start giving suggestions, suddenly he transforms into a super energetic guy to tell you why he can't change or act on his problem. Suddenly, he is motivated to convince you that he is NOT motivated. Still sounds strange? I call this act Self sabotage. It is aplenty. If only this guy can use the motivation for a better objective, things will be really different. Then, the next question is 'why not he does that?'

I believe the root causes are lack of self confidence and fear. When a person lacks confidence, he does not only sees his weaknesses and not his strengths, he also wants to tell the whole world his weaknesses. When you ask someone who has fear in presenting, they will tell you all the weaknesses they have 'confidently'. Hence, telling the world his weaknesses seems to be his way of boosting confidence (although it makes things worse at the end of the day).

For those who have fear, not knowing is the biggest fear of all. Between a fear of something and a fear of nothing, fear of nothing is definitely more scary because it can mean ANYTHING. Logically, it makes sense too. Which one will you choose: a fixed problem or an ever changing problem?

If we look at both the factors, the reactions we see are generally how a person is trying to defend himself. His defense techniques may not be effective, but that is what he knows until now.

How can we help them? Give them a metaphor. A good example will be if a guy normally lets the girlfriend get into a taxi before he goes in thinking that it is his way of protecting others, what happen if the taxi speeds off before he gets in? Wouldn't that jeopardize his gf? This metaphor will help us convince the person that he has a need to defend and protect but at the same time, he needs to know better methods. This will open up the person more and at the same time allowing them to hold to their mode of 'protecting themselves.

So for a person who has trouble presenting, would it be easier and more effective to ask :
'Do you want to learn how to present well?' versus
'Do you want to know more how to protect yourself better when you give a presentation?'

Second question will have better alignment. More importantly, it will not trigger off the person's defense mechanism of convincing you that he or she cannot do it.

Self sabo to self defense to self realization to self motivation.