What's stopping you?

When I do coaching with my clients, one of the very important factors that help accelerate the improvement is the ability to pinpoint the true underlying issue. Based on experience, the issue that is discussed at the beginning is usually not the real issue. The trap is, if we address the surface issue, the issue will not go away or in worse situations, it manifests itself in other forms of issues.

One of the effective technique I use for self improvement coaching is the CAWISHDA technique. The name sounds strange? It's an acronym made up of 4 words - can, will, should and dare.

When something cannot be done, most of us say 'I cannot do it'. On the surface, it appears like a skill problem. If it is a skill problem, then getting a teacher to teach will solve the problem. But why isn't that happening? Perhaps, it's more than just 'I cannot.'

When a person really cannot do something, it is skill-related and generally that can be resolved by learning and practicing. Even if you cannot reach your expectation, it's somewhere around there (partly because there are external factors that are out of your influence.

There are times that when we say we cannot, it could mean something else. Here are three possibilities:

I cannot = I will not (我不肯）
When it's about 'you will not', it means that you CAN do it but you don't WANT to do it in order to 'protect' some benefits that you are having now. For example, I will not join the gym because I don't want to lose my money if it turns out that I don't like it. So, I'm protecting my money from being wasted.

I cannot = I should not (我不该）
'Should' generally indicates that the action is violating certain rules or values that we have. In other words, we CAN do it but we don't think it's right to do it. For example, we can make a lot of money from helping others to raise fund. While that's legitimate and those who earn money out of it find that a 'win-win situation', others detest such acts. Hence, even if raising fund is something that they can do well, they will not do it as it violates their values.

I cannot = I dare not (我不敢）
There are times we know it is the right thing to do and logically we know we are able to do. But yet we don't do. It could be a case of confidence (state) or fear (emotion). Hence, it is more effective to focus on how to build confidence or manage the anxiety caused by fear. People who are afraid of height (vertigo) know the hanging bridge is safe. They also know that they are able to walk because walking on low grounds and walking a bridge is the same. And yet they don't because of the fear.

This is a short write up and we will not discuss how to handle value change or managing fear. However, the good news is that once we are able to bring the real issue to the table, your conscious mind can now see the actual problem and resolve it within your means.

So, each time when you hear someone says 'I cannot', always ask "you mean you cannot, you will not, you should not or you dare not?"

CAWISHDA!

'Try and fix' versus 'fix and try'

The long 15 days of Chinese New Year was finally over or was it really that long? For adults, somehow their watches and clocks tick faster than the kids.

For those how think the 15 days passed very quickly, I'm sure there would be some things that you wished you have done, may be meeting up with some friends or doing the thing you have always wanted to do but never have the time.

I have some unfulfilled or un-executed wishes just like many. But I think the root cause for my inaction is not so much of poor planning or time really passes by that fast. For me, it is definitely a case of 'not sure when the right time is.' I plan to have an open house but then again not sure what the right date is. So for the past 15 days, I have been doing something I called 'try and fix' a date. With the 15 days over, I am still in the 'try and fix' mode. What I could have done differently? I could have done it the way the young people do their things - 'fix and try'!

'Fix and try' simply means you are not sure when the right time is but you fix an arbitrary date and inform others. Then from that moment on, you try to maneuver and orchestrate to try to make it happen. I think this is a better way for at least the date is IN the plan. It may not happen, but at least we tried. It may be disappointing to some, but at least if it does materialize, the rewards are worth it. It may give you some extra work, but at least your 15 days will be longer.

We all know for a fact: 'let's catch up some day' simply means 'the day will never come.' They know it and we know it.

So, if you ever have something you want to do and do not know when, why not fix a date on it and try. The chances are anytime better than you try and fix a date.fix, try

The Facts about Fear

When we want to do something, it is influenced by 'pull' as well as 'push' factors. Pull factors are those that motivate us to do it while push factors are those that force us to take certain actions (change the status quo) or inaction (remain status quo).

Well, I'm sure we have experienced something new and when we meet our friends or relatives, we want to share with them how great the experience was and how eager we wanted them to have that experience. But many a time, the listener responded with "well, I'm not sure if I can do that" especially the new experiences that involved some action or some adrenalin rush. All sorts of reasons were tabled but you tried every way to explain logically or factually why it was not a concern. After a long discussion, the verdict was 'inaction'.

I am one of those guys who have tried convincing and through experience find out that the FEAR of something (push factor) cannot be overcome by FACTS. You can bring a stack of stats to convince a guy that flying is not as dangerous as it seems, in fact is safer than driving...but who cares? Fear doesn't recognize facts. So, if you are still trying to use facts to convince someone to overcome his/her fear, I recommend you stop it and stop now because it just doesn't work! While you are explaining and demonstrating the facts, the listener (or non-listener) is thinking about the dangerous outcome from the action).

So, what do we do? It is better that we acknowledge the fear of the person and then look for ways to reduce it. If a person is scared of flying, tell them that their fear is valid but usually it applies to small planes. The larger planes are safer. In other words, do not dispel the myth of the fear but rather show how to handle the fear in different situations. Simply put, acknowledge and reduce makes more sense than dispelling the myth as far as the listener is concerned. The key is to make sense and unfortunately, logic and facts do not make sense when a person is in fear.

If we think we are brave and it doesn't apply to us, we do have fears. Are we not afraid of some investment plans to commit but the financial planner keeps blabbering with facts? Are we not worried about switching a job in fear of the unknown environment?

So acknowledge and alleviate. These are the facts that FEAR find factual. The rest of data? Later :)