My very own anger management

I bought some educational CD's that I can play in the car while I'm stuck in jams. This CD makes such an impact to me that I think it is worth sharing. And the beauty is that it's so easy to have a traffic jam and so opportunities to perfect my anger management is abundant. Ever since I realized some truths of anger, I have not been angry since Feb this year. If there were some 'near-misses', i felt bad and I think that is a good start. At least I know I want to manage better.


Here are my management tips:

Sea water
What is the difference between pure water and sea water? Sea water is most salty of course. But it is actually pure water but mixed with salt. So, sea water is actually pure water but it is 'contaminated with salt'. Same goes for people. There are people who are rude. Is that the person or is that his attitude? If we are able to treat that all people are 'pure water' but some become salty because of the 'salty attitude', we could then be more forgiving. It's not him. It's not his face. It's not his dressing. It's his attitude today. When I look around the cars stuck around me, I see 2 things in each face. The pure person and the 'salty' attitude. And sometimes I wish I could help them ease some irritation on their face. To do that , I allow them to come into my line instead of 'I hate people jumping the line!!!!!!'

If the above step doesn't work, never mind. Try the next:

Stabbing ourselves
Each time I'm angry, I feel pain or discomfort in my physical heart. So I imagine that each time I'm angry, it's like I am stabbing my own heart with an invisible knife. The knife may be virtual but the pain is true. So now, each time I feel like getting angry, the image of myself stabbing my own heart stops my anger. Why am I hurting myself when someones does something wrong? When the incident is over, I reflect upon it hours later and realize that it is not just the anger at the moment. If that happens, it will also probably affect my positive mood from that incident until the time I reflect. All in all, it's not worth it.

If the above still doesn't help, try this:

The big 'MY'
It is irritating because it is blocking MY view. The car is delaying MY appointment. He is trying to squeeze into MY line. He is spoiling MY day. Mine...oh....mine. Oh MY god. I did it MY way. Notice that the problem arises because it is MY thing? If in a jam, we don't treat the line we are following is MY line, most likely, when another car is joining the traffic, you don't feel 'trespassed' because it is not MY line anymore. It's our line.

Still cannot work? Then use the more conventional way:

Patience is a virtue
In most religions I have seen, patience has always been regarded as a virtue, something the followers ought to cultivate. So, all the irritating incidents that are happening is a way for us to cultivate patience. When we are angry each time there is an irritating incident, that means we are far from perfection. If we are half the time angry, hey...i am 50% from perfect. If we can handle each situation, then congrats! You have perfected patience. Finally, patience can be measured.

I'm sorry for those who don't have a jam to practice anger management. For the rest, aren't we lucky to have jams? Aaaaaahhh...Monday's jam is the best one!

What can time buy?

I was buying things in a pharmacy last week and I overheard someone talking on the mobile phone. The conversation was about 10 minutes and the whole discussion was nothing more than which brand to buy and whether the price was the best in the country.

I am sure at that time, there was a doctor out there who was faced by a emergency situation where he/she has to make a life-or-death surgery on an accident victim in order to continue life.

In the first case, the caller feels great because she has bought something for the lowest price, probably $2 cheaper than everyone else in the country. Then there is this doctor who also feels great because she manages to save a life due to her 'bets' she took.

We could be from different walks of life, different countries, different beliefs but whatever the differences, we are blessed with exactly 24 hours in a day. If one prefers to spend 20% of one's timing bargaining, what one will get back is the money saved. Is it worth it? Only the person can judge. One can also spend 20% of one's time doing charity work, is it worth it? Again, only the person can tell.

My message here is that everyone is granted the same amount of time in a day. If time is a currency, think of what this newly founded 'money' can buy. Some use it like 'discount coupon' to buy the lowest price, some spend it to 'buy peace' while others did not buy anything but their 'money' was stolen by their friends who engage them in idle talking and activities.

My other message is that we need to ask ourselves 'Has it been worth it, all this time that was spent in this particular activity?' To help you check whether it's worth it, ask yourself the following questions:
Can you recall its benefits? Does it make you a much better person today? When you think back, can it gives you the same pleasure? Most of all, do you feel happy when you think back?

If it doesn't, most likely it is not worth it. It is mostly like an idle activity.

With that, I hope it can suggest some new resolutions for this Chinese New Year.

For those whose resolutions stop as soon as they start, may I share some tips with you. Have a few resolutions starting on different significant dates. Some start on 1/1/09, some start on 1st day of Chinese New Year, reserve some for Hari Raya, Wesak Day, Labor Day...

A new chicken and egg situation

Well, it has been quite a while since I wrote. What should I say? Time flies? But that doesn't mean I have not encountered any new incidents that worth writing, only that have not been writing.

I have some skin problem called eczema. For those who experienced before, you will know that it is a sticky issue because initially the part affected is itchy and then I scratch it, and then it becomes more itchy, and I scratch further. When do I stop? When all the dead skins have been scratched off and what left is the normal skin. By then, some 'little wounds' will have been created during the 'pleasure time' as now the pleasure is lower and the pain is sensed. I regretted scratching it (sure because it is painful now and the logical part of myself takes over). As the wound heals and the dead skin accumulates, the temptation to scratch begins. Then, the whole story starts again...and thinking of it, it has been 5 years!

I realize that this pleasure and pain is one entity but only at different extreme. Just like cold and hot is part of temperature. Now the question that needs to be answered is which is the 'chicken' and which is the 'egg' (which is the cause and which is the effect). There are a lot of times we thought we know, but do check again.

Those who are actively running in the rat race, there are high and low in our months. There are crazy months where budgeting, meetings and visitors just have to happen at the same time. Then usually there is a peaceful period during the end of the year as most people take their holidays or last attempt to 'clear their leave entitlement'. During the peak time, we feel like this job sucks and almost want to quit. But by December when we look back, aaahh it was a meaningful experience. In fact, the pain then makes the vacation now even a more enjoyable and rewarding one!!

Now, which is the cause and which is the effect? In my case, is the pain worth it because it makes the scratching part more pleasurable? We work late nights and then we 'enjoy' the weekend better by sleeping more? We take unnecessary risks to gain extra money so that we can buy ourselves a favorite bag? Will I miss the pleasurable scratching if my eczema is fully treated? Is it the subconscious reason I have let myself to go through this pain-pleasure trip for 5 years?

The key messages I want to share are:

1. we need to understand that pain and pleasure are actually one entity. We should not complain about the pain but yet consciously and subconsciously enjoy the pleasure because of the pain.
2. we need to ask ourselves is the pain worth it? IE we should put the pain as the 'cause' and the pleasure as the effect' to ensure that we do not indulge in short-term pleasure while the situation deteriorates. You will understand better when you see a person who have lost his limbs due to diabetes (while some are born with insulin deficiency, the rest is failure to avoid high-sugar foods)
3. look out for alternative pleasures IE what pleasure we can get if the pain is gone forever?

Looks like I have to start scratching my head for the answer than scratching my leg for the pleasure!

Happy new year!!

Selfish or selfless ?

This is a very interesting subject because it is a matter of where we draw the line. A father who robs to feed his family could be a selfish act because he is gaining at the expense of others. At the same time it's also a selfless act because he risks his safety for his family at least in the eyes of his kids.

As it is really a case of where we draw the line or which side of the fence we happen to be, it is therefore very hard to decide what emotions we should have for a thief who steals for his ailing kids.

So one man's meat is really another man's poison. As every case is totally relative, personally I have stopped reacting but remain indifferent instead.

I prefer to view this type of situations as a 'bet' i.e. the father takes a risk and if he succeeds, he has the money and if he fails, he has the punishment as well as not having the money.

Why is this discussion important? Some may ask. Of course it's important because many of us are faced with this situation but are not aware of it. If you ask most proud parents, they usually will tell you about the right things they are doing or sacrificing for the family be it good or bad things, be it legal or illegal, be it selfish or selfless. But one thing is consistent. They will justify that they need to do it for the family. How could that be wrong? The worse thing is that when the person fails and faces the punishment, the parent can even blame the merciless judge, blame the screwed up society or blame the creator. Again they ask the question 'how could it be wrong when I'm sacrificing for the family?' Then some Hollywood or Hong Kong director will make a movie out of it with the infamous line 'inspired by a true story'

So, rather than deciding whether we should be compassionate in situation like this, rather than justifying the unwholesome things that we do, why not view it as a bet. If we are the neutral party, stay neutral and just note that one guy has lost his bet. If we are having some unwholesome sacrifices, tell ourselves we must find alternatives because in betting, we don't win all the time.

Cancer is a gift?

Well, I could almost say everyone will hope that they are free from some terrible disease and I'm sure cancer is one of those dreaded ones. However, I had a friend who viewed cancer as a gift because he believed that everything happens for a reason. For this, he took it as life lesson instead of as part of statistics of people died out of it.

Well, as you might have guessed, the person passed away. But in the 1.5 years that he was confirmed suffering from cancer, he did a lot of things most people won't do - making a meaning out of it besides the usual gung-ho fight of 'I will survive'.

Along the way, this guy inspired many of his friends including me, and from friends who passed on the word, had inspired many friends of friends. There are many meaningful lessons from this chap and for me, the ones below are the most inspiring:

• instead of using blogs to defame someone, vet our frustration, this guy introduced blog as a way to 'visit' him virtually and a way to share his experience with those who are interested. This blog was actually inspiration from this friend and I earned a compliment from him as 'the new kid on the blog'
• this guy printed out 'business cards' that say 'Occupation : Cancer patient'! He introduced to me the concept that we must have a role in our life, not merely in our job. Since he had cancer, his new life job was to share his learning
• we have ups and downs and there are times things seem to happen with or without a cause. But instead of the typical positive thinking of 'things will get better' or 'the tough gets going' kind of mindsets, he chose a new dimension called 'make meaning'. Whatever should not happen has happened. But since it has happened, should we just lament it or can we 'make meaning' out of it? There was one time I felt very bad that I spoke bad about someone via sms and I didn't realize that I was sending this sms to the guy I spoke badly about! It had already happened and besides cursing myself for being stupid, I made a meaning out of it by telling myself 'good words wont betray others; betraying words cant be good'

Recently, a few friends of his edited all the postings in his blog and made a book out of it. To this group, I salute their commitment and perseverance despite the busy schedule that everyone has. For those who want a copy, please refer to the following blog for details:

http://www.fhbadventure.blogspot.com/

But for those who want to read the blogs in its original form, just go through the blogs. The comments could be equally interesting too.

There is also one party that most of us forget to thank, blogger.com itself for being the enabler. So to blogger.com, thank you for providing the blog site that have benefited millions!

Appointing God as the Gangster

To start with, I'm not trying to be blasphemous here and there is no intention to belittle any religions or showing any disrespect. The title is such because we sometimes are literally doing it but are not aware of it. This article this time is to make all of us aware of such appointment.

It is very natural for humans to react to any bad sources coming from other humans. It could be due to natural reaction to protect ourselves ir it could be a way we solve our problems. This 'reaction' which is usually as negative as the source itself is called 'revenge' and sometimes it tastes sweet.

Now, the word 'revenge' has been modified, packaged, advertised and manipulated into many other forms and words. Some prefer to call it 'punishment', some say 'teaching someone a lesson', some justifies that 'it takes fire to fight fire', some tell you 'it's for his own good'...well, there are many variations and whatever it is, it is actually attempting 'to let out' that little energy that gets accumulated in our heart.

I'm not trying to discuss anger management today. The main subject I want to bring out is the subconscious way a lot of relatively more religious people (or those who want to better themselves) that they are advocating revenge without realising it.

How many times have you heard a guy that says 'for those bad people, let's forget them. God will punish them' or 'those guys will one day receive their karma'. The original idea here is more of 'hey, let me refrain myself from taking revenge as advised by my religion'. But what the idea became finally was 'I will not react or take revenge. God will punish him or karma will burn him'. Basically, we still want to take revenge but in this case we don't have to because we think God will do it on our behalf!'

So as what the title states, we are appointing God as our gangster to settle our old scores with people we don't like. When we are not taking revenge, the purpose is to forgive or to practice compassion. However, it can end up as 'my boss (God) will settle for me' if we are not careful.

So, ask ourselves next time when we forgive someone in the future...we forgive because we are really forgiving or we forgive (or actually close the case) because we believe God will handle it....aah what a fine line :)

October fest is not in October (neither is time management about time)

Once, I tried to ask a stupid question as a joke. But finally I realized that it was actually true that October fest in Germany is not in October. It's actually September!!

Now, if we ask a 'stupid' question "what do we manage in time management?", I'm sure most of us will reply "Time, stupid!" And just like October fest, I have to say that time management is NOT about managing time.

Sound like a shocker? Yes, it does because that is what many of us have believed or taught to believe in. Time ticks away all the time. It is unstoppable. It is the result that we want. Now, do we manage results (time) or we manage factors that influence our time? Actually we are managing factors that may cause us to lose time. Hence, you may now agree that we actually don't manage time but try to work on the factors that can steal our time away.

So, what do we manage actually? Time management can be divided into 2 parts : the technical part (internal efficiency) and the strategic part (external factors)

Technical part (efficiency)
This is one part that you can find in most books. There is a long list that you can pick up but below are golden rules that I believe strongly in:

1. Plan 2 steps ahead in your first time - then you are always one step ahead after that
2. Always have a contingency plan so that we are not caught with fire-fighting
3. While waiting, do something. Read a book, call someone you should have been calling more often especially while waiting for a plane
4. Review your activities and find the biggest time waster - eg. meetings, reading emails. A lot of people complain that they are stuck in meetings and so they cannot do other work. The problem is 'why are we choosing other work that cannot be done during a meeting?' If the subject is not related to you at that time, do some thinking! (unless someone can read minds!!)
5. Know the peak performance time of the day. Even if you know, try different timing because as we age, our peak period may vary too
6. Get tools that can help us organize better. I'm a firm believer in PDA phones.

The above list can go on but I'm sure you can find that in many books. Now, for the strategic part (or external part) this is where the major outcome is almost fixed if not managed well ie even if we can be very efficient, we probably can cut down by 20%.

Changing methods

This is one key part. We will always have 24 hours. And there is a maximum of things we can do in a day. We need to have a belief that changing the way we work can improve our efficiency. But to know exactly where to attack, we need to know where the bottle neck is. In my past job, I had a guy who was very good in IT. But his work was slow despite his expertise. Then, we found out later that it was delayed by his poorer command of English! So, in this case, he has to tackle the bottle neck by changing the way he works. He may ask someone to help, he may set an easier format or even may have to improve his command of the language. Do we use spell check? Are we thinking more in front of the computer or doing? If it is thinking, think over it during those boring meetings or during your coffee break.

Asking for or getting more resource

This is usually done but we are not aware of. Each time we are bogged down with work, we skip lunches, work overtime...it is actually a form of putting in more resources. But the problem is that this should only be used for emergency. If a task is continuously going to suck time, we need more resources. Same method, which area is the bottle neck? Once identified, we need to check if changing methods is necessary. If not, then we need more resources. But a few famous reasons thing pop up most of the time:

"My company has a budget constraint. We are not allowed to get more people"

"Everyone is busy, none of my colleagues can help me."

"The work is too complicated. I cannot delegate. "

Well, that is what teamwork is for. To start with, do you help others? Can others help you in more mundane work like keying in some data while you focus on this critical task alone? One key example : a friend's mother is sick and is hospitalized. There is not much you can help your friend but you can always help her pay some bills or bring food for her...

There is another resource that sometimes we forget. Extending deadlines! It IS actually asking for more resources.

Prioritization

When the above has been done and the list is still too long, then you need to prioritize. Of course all are important. But remember that we are now not choosing good from bad. That is done in the above. We are choosing 'worse' out from 'the worst'. It is about renouncing, letting go some for the benefit of all. It is about getting complimented for the good work done and AT THE SAME TIME, screwed for not doing the others. One may say not fair, but having ALL TASKS screwed is the worst.