There are a few common causes for low self esteem and low confidence. The most common one is the Asian value of trying to be humble. What it means by humble is that we are not supposed to think highly of ourselves in fear of being egoistic and stop learning. In the process of 'being humble', we discount ourselves more than necessary, we lose our esteem and our confidence as well.
Another reason for the low esteem comes from denying our strengths. 'Fake it till you make it' - if we deny so much and so often, what we deny becomes true. Example: If someone says you are good at singing of which you are but you deny, you may become what you deny. However, this is different from another scenario where the person knows he is good and he is confident about himself, but just want to deny it only to show off his singing later. For those who have such practice, if you think that it's humbling, then I'm sorry to say not all see it that way. Some, including me, see it as insulting the person who gives the compliment and a person who is egoistic because his words and actions are not congruent!
The next reason, which is a result of past incidents from self, school, family, friends and environment, is that the person truly thinks he does not DESERVE good things or good treatment. He believes that he is a second class citizen, he is the child of a lesser God, he is the adopted child in the family….to the point that he is unable to accept help and compliments because he believes he is not WORTH it and hence, does not deserve anything good. It could be related to guilt that was seeded in the earlier days or in some past events, but we will not discuss that in this round.
Regardless of what level you are at, whether you have any of the signs mentioned above or are totally free from these problems, there are some easy things that when you use it often, it will build and continuously build your self esteem. It may sound simple and magically it works:
- When someone gives you a compliment and you think it's genuine, say THANK YOU.
- This will help you to accept compliments when due. If we can accept critics when it's bad, wouldn't it be fair we can also accept compliments?
- When you have genuinely helped someone and the person thinks it is a great help and thank you for that, says YOU ARE WELCOME. I'M GLAD I COULD HELP.
- This gesture will help us to acknowledge to ourselves that we are capable of helping others. We are more than we think.
- APPRECIATE the things, skills and knowledge that you ALREADY HAVE.
- Do not add the word 'BUT' at the back followed by some negative comments as it will erode your self esteem.
- If you cannot think of any, remember those moments where either people say 'thank you' to you or you say 'welcome' to people.
- By doing so, you will notice that you are richer and more enriched than you think.
- CELEBRATE your achievements.
- When you celebrate, you are reminding yourself of your success which will help you boost your confidence.
- The visual, sound and actions of the celebration get wired into your mental system and it will motivate you to want more achievements.
- UPGRADE yourself
- There is this fear that when we appreciate too much and celebrate too much, we become lazy and stop growing. That's why I encourage you to upgrade yourself so that you continue to learn and continue to celebrate and continue to appreciate.
- However, upgrading yourself does not necessarily mean growing in the same areas. You may decide to keep your skills where you are in the meantime, and upgrade something else that is more important at this point in time. Example, if a person has enough income, he may want to consider having better health. If he thinks that he can have more money, go ahead…as long as it is an upgrade.
Follow these simple guidelines, and see how the self esteem and confidence are built every day and before long, it becomes your new habits. In short, practice these 4 things:
ACKNOWLEDGE
APPRECIATE
CELEBRATE
UPGRADE
